Nobody tells you that having a baby rebuilds you as well as your household. They talk about the sleep and the nappies and the sudden love for a person who communicates exclusively by screaming. They don't mention that somewhere in the middle of it, you stop being the person you were.
I've done it twice. Both times I came out the other side a bit different, and a bit more honest with myself.
Before Frankie: trying to please everyone
I worked in corporate marketing for years. It was a demanding job with challenging stakeholders, and I worked hard at it. Somewhere along the way I became obsessed with pleasing everyone and being the best at what I did, and I did it by sacrificing my own health, wants and needs. I called it ambition. Looking back, it was closer to being scared of letting anyone down.
Coming back to a different job
I went on maternity leave with Frankie. While I was away, the business was bought out and went through a mass restructure, with redundancies across the company. When I came back, I was offered my job, but it had been reshaped. More responsibility, no extra pay, and more than half of the wider team gone. New stakeholders wanted tighter targets and more revenue.
I'd already been toying with the idea of starting my own business. That offer settled it. I was getting lost, I knew the job wasn't making me happy, and I needed to find my way back to myself. Having Frankie changed what I wanted. The restructure made the decision for me.
Sofia arrived six weeks early
Poonami was already underway when I fell pregnant with Sofia, so the ball was rolling. Then she arrived at 34 weeks, six weeks early, just as I was launching the business. She spent three weeks in the special care nursery and I got a business off the ground. We were also renovating our family home and living with my in-laws, with a 2.5-year-old in the mix.
It was stressful and overwhelming, and I would not recommend it as a launch strategy. I got through it one day at a time, and I didn't have much room left to think about who I was.
Looking inward
Since then I've been looking inward, a lot. I've done plenty of soul searching and I'm still doing it. Human Design was eye-opening. I'm a Projector, and reading my chart back cemented a lot of what I'd already known about myself. (I'll write about that properly soon.)
Meditation, tarot and journalling are part of my day now. They don't fix anything, but they ground me and help me think clearly. I often come out of them with a clear idea of what I need to do to move forward that day, or what I need to do to just settle myself. I also see a nutritionist, an acupuncturist and a kinesiologist, and I read my astrology. None of it is advice. It's just what works for me.
Lately I'm being drawn to nature. The beach, the grass, long walks, a swim. It all feels like peeling back layers, and it feels less like becoming someone new and more like remembering who I'm supposed to be.
Putting myself out there is still the hard part
This is my biggest challenge, in business and in life. I still question every post, and I still feel uncomfortable hitting publish.
What's changing is the question I ask. It used to be "what will people think?" Now it's "is this real and true for me, and does it reflect what I believe in?" If the answer is yes, I'm happy with it, even if my stomach disagrees. I'm getting closer to leaving the people-pleasing and the self-conscious thoughts behind.
I spent so much of my life trying to be as small as possible so I could fly under the radar. Part of my growth is telling myself it's ok to take up space, to do things for myself, to make them known, and to celebrate my wins. I also want to be a good role model for my girls. I'd like Frankie and Sofia to watch their mum take up space.
So what does this have to do with a nappy kit?
Poonami started with an empty nappy bag in a food court. It's now the thing I'm building alongside myself. The new look, the videos, me showing up on camera: it's all me getting more comfortable being seen. I'm building myself while I'm building my business, and I've stopped trying to separate the two.
If you're in the middle of your own rebuild, whether that's a first baby, a fourth, or a different kind of beginning entirely, I hope this helps. You're not behind. You're just being rebuilt.
I'll share more soon on the things that ground me, and how they help me run this business.
And if you want one less thing to think about while you're at it, that's what the Poonami kit is for. You can shop here.
Still learning. Still building.
Ella x
